Sunday, November 17, 2013

At the risk of being called by John as "dramatic"

... I published the beginning of my confessions. He's always on the web so I am not sure if he will discover my blog one day. Man, I felt so much better after I wrote that post. I actually started writing it on my phone last Friday on my way home. I had my Talkboard app capture my thoughts as they crossed my mind. Inside the car, at the photo studio at work, during break times--during those "in-between moments." Just needed to deal with the mental torture.

However, if there's any bright side to this, this situation revealed the fibers of our relationship. How strong each strand is and how it can be strengthened. How profound our bond is and how meaningless everything around us is actually. All that matters is that for each breathing moment, you feel alive. I want John to experience that. To feel loved, to feel happy and to feel that he has a strong grip on life.

I wonder how many wives my age go through something like this?



Truth is, I have been trying to repress things. John dislikes it when I am being a softee. He wants me tough. Like a man! He abhors drama. For him, you recognize the bleeding pain then move forward from there. While I tend to be like that 99% of the time, being threatened by cancer is something that I have no control of and it just shook the boat in the most horrible way you can imagine. Then unknowingly, this whole thing was eating me. Tried to not be dramatic with last night's post but maybe there's a little tinge to it. Just a little. ;-)

I am beginning to see how difficult it can be to not have a support system around you. Probably, it's more apt to say that I have to admit that I can't go through it alone anymore. I go to work every day like a machine, with no trace of brokenness or pain. Just functioning. Same daily programming. I am experience-free when it comes to being a wife to a patient with cancer. That part John doesn't realized. But I've been tested by various circumstances and I only know one way of facing battles--confront them.

The crux of this situation we're confronted with is straight and simple. Life and health are not a given. The only given is that we are all on this journey.

John and I intend to go through it together.